Green Tea, Honey, Adina, Astrid, Chipewee, Jasmine

I was drinking Green Tea with Honey tonight to try to get back my crisp and girly voice, to not to have the cold explode and to fight off the rain and chill of of this week in the city.

Then I feel like re-reading the little fiction that was in the New Yorker of May 15, 2006, titled "Adina, Astrid, Chipewee, Jasmine" by Mattew Klam. They are babies's names.

It is a chilling, true, funny story with weighted darkenss and humor. I was in tears and in uncontrollable laughter while reading it.

It is about a plain documentary film making guy's fear to be a father, a familiy man, so scared that he wanted to kill his pregnant wife who ate 3 chickens in a week, who was the most beauitful woman in his life and he knew he love, but he deperately want an affair and has the urge to strangle his wife.

"Instead of wondering how to fix it, he gave himself a gift: despair without shame. Freedom from the necessary revulsion with himself. Like some miserable Goth Kid, his thoughts went straight to hell and made him stronger."

"Look at the mess, look at what he'd done. He was the only guy he knew liked his wife and still tried to cheat on her every chance he got. That wasn't progress. It was nothing he'd recommend".

That is how bad things are. But in the end, when he looks at the little girl that looked a little like George Costanza, " A new motor inside him was running on high."

I am a women, yet I identify with him, I identify with that fear and worries and the need to face it, the longing to be someone else.

I identify with him as I feel your fear.

The fear is, maybe, the natural immune reaction in the stage of transformation, of making it to the next stage in life. We all went through it, like standing at the start line of another race, the waiting at the pre-start time is the worst. Then things will only get better from there.

We adopt, we get out little motor running ultimately after overcoming the fear.

There are some type of us who enjoy fear and pain more than fun time, in other words, I enjoy love and I am still in love. That is why.