Monday, March 27, 2006

Thoughts from Late Night Gossip

We went back to my apartment after the drink.

I offered both of them Scotch, out of the same bottle you brought me and a bowl of nuts to go with it.

They sat on my couch and looked refreshed and sweet together. B is so affectionate and it makes me a little sad but mostly amused to see him innocently calling out her name. Then he will always comes back to his funny, slow but sincere conversation with us. He is sweet.

But then I decided that I still love you the way you are. I would not do that, you would not do that either. I would rather feel that you stand beside me, very close, almost touching me, but we don't need to look at each other to know that we are there together, in love.

He talked about a woman we all know: "I think she is setting up this wall and is trying to protect the secret that she has this huge void in her life. I don't even know her, but that is how I feel about her. "

I was astonished about his accurate observation. Are we women really the slave of our feelings, so obvious that people can just see our pain like a golden fish swiming in the glass bowl?

"I want my hands to be hold in a meaningful way." I remember one of my friends once said in her blog. That is what we all want. I miss the time when we had that.

They sat there admiring my studio apartment, the deco, the furniture and the view. I told her she can shoot her love scene here for her film projects if she think the space is good enough.
Her film is about obession between two couples.

This is the place that still belongs only to us. Our music, our love making, our huge windows with the view of the city. It is a beautiful apartment, but with too much of our memories that I some time have to look away or get out to breathe, to not think of us.

My lease is up soon, by July. By then, it will be two years since I moved here since that summer, with one piece of furniture from my old life and my heart full of hope.

You know that we can start again, much better. And there will be no more dragging this time. It will be it, a real thing. Simple life, warm feelings, unknown grounds but with some courage, it will be fine.

"Is that mask from Italy?"

"No, Paris".

Once I said to you I will put it on while you make love to me. It is a little hard for me to breathe with it on.

I handed M Chong Kong Express, the movie by Wang Kai Wei, since she loved In the Mood for Love so much. She is inspired by his film making technique and style.

We both loved that movie In the mood for Love. We both were in the mood for love. It was and is true and real, and good. Don't blame it for anything.

"I know that film" B said, "two policemen right? The girl sneaked into his apartment." Yes. That is the one. We watched it together in my apartment, first time for you, the Nth time for me.

They left around two in the morning. I asked them to put those two scotch glasses in the sink. I will wash them later. Beautiful glasses. I drank water the whole night.

I then stepped on a tiny piece of broken glasses from the smashing night months ago. You cleaned it as much as you can, but some left there with me. I picked it up and I was thinking, my guests could never have guessed what happened here, our space, our stories, our happiness, and why should they, some memories were just mine and yours, deep in our hearts, drifting in the wind, like whispers that we believe we can hear, when everything else is silent.


Blogger Gawain said...

very beautiful, very touching. thank you, Red.

9:43 PM  

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