Wednesday, January 18, 2006

NYR in China

Let red be back to the sea of red.

I am traveling back through time and space, to home. To a sleepy home city. It is Chinese new year and I am going home. No firecrackers. But familiar faces.

I was talking to the French CEO of my company, I said is there anything I could do for you while I am in China, your largest market and where you feel that you are being bullshitted to but you could not point your figures at something, you could not figure them out.

They all love and hate that gigantic market where mystery and riddle still dominate any effort of communications.

Yes, take my card, use my name, do whatever you want, report to me, I will cover you financially.

Good. He sounds like the Chinese he is trying to understand now. Unstructured, talk the talk, nothing tangible but you know things are happening everyday. Everybody running around, nobody stops and thinks.

Too much money to be make. Nobody asks the question of being happy.

I am going, despite that my heart want to stay here with you. You said: go, that will make me feel better.

When I come back, can I see you smile?

I need to find a way to access gmail blog from China. It is blocked. But there are ways to go around it. I heard. I still would like to read the blogspot postings by so many talented bloggers such as Thoms and Geoffery, while I am there.

So NYR takes a break.

Happy Chinease New Year and Happy birthday, Aquarius!

That covers you and me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Random Thoughts Lying at the Dentist Office

I need to give you an injection before I fix that.

Can I have some Anastasia instead? Like, I feel like getting high. It felt good last time.

Breathing deeply. Oh, it feels good.

When I was high, I was missing you so much more. Is it because we always got high together, from drinks, happiness, the heat and other things?

Am I bolder when I am high, bolder to face the pain? Because I am numb.

I feel like tears were welling up and coming out of my eyes, but no, I only felt like it. My eyes were dry.

I was staring at the ceiling and thinking of you, I was missing you with every muscle of my body, I could feel it at my finger tips.

I was high.

My dentist is a nice Chinese man. He is good and delicate with his hand. But since my last visit, he began to use this cute Asian girl as assistant. She got an attitude. I don't know why he tolerates that. I would not. But so long he is happy.

How does dentist fall in love? When they think of you lying down there with your mouth open and gum exposed, in that very indecent state of being, when they look into your throat, do their hearts beat still, for anyone? Isn't it too much reality?

Anastasia is not enough, obviously my gum is less tolerant to pain than my heart. I still got my injection. So the former became purely recreational.

And half of my face is numb. I was told not to eat. I will be at my own risk of chewing my own tongue. That sounds a sad potential.

And tonight is the night I am going out with friends we tried to get together since before the holiday.

Tonight is the night I still will not be seeing you, after so long.

So long as I could drink, and fake a smile, so long as nobody can tell that, my heart, is aching.

Friday, January 06, 2006

A Story in film and in words

Last night, a girl friend and I went to see Brokeback Mountain.

I am not thinking of you, loud.

Although all the great review and comments I have read and my love of Ang Lee's prior works have set my expectation sky high, I was still not prepared enough for how great a film it is, and how long it is.

At least I went to the restroom before the film while I got water and snacks. But I still felt the need to pee about 30 minutes toward the end, in the hindsight. My friend got a little restless one third into the film, that was about the time she felt the need. But she did not want to get up and decided to hold it till the end.

Point is, we did't feel the film was long until our body tells us. Every minute of it is worthy and well controlled. That is why in the end tears welled up in your eyes and something heavy dwelled on your chest but it wouldn't come out. It was just there, for a long while.

Like the difficult and separate lives of Ennis and Jack, you have to just stand it.

After the movie and rushing trip to the bath room, we tried to find a place to eat. The Thai and Chinese restaurant were both closed at the minute we walked into the door. Again, the film was so long that our dinner plann was screwed up. We decided to go the Renaissance Dinner in my hood which opens 24 hours.

That was the easy brunch place of me and you. My friend and I toasted with our red wine, for love in whichever form it comes.

Then we went to OUR watering hole near my building for French Martini. Every place is with my memories of you and me. I think we have been lucky for having those moments.

Tonight, I read the book, Brokeback Mountain, in my apartment of redness, I read the story of the cold and bleak mid west ranches and mountains.

My tears that welled up from last night, from Tuesday, from all the past moments of sweetness, happiness, pain and silence, came running out.

Between the book and the film, I feel one sad and beautiful story has been perfectly written out in two different art languages.

"Never enough time, never enough. "

"Nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved".

"There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you got to stand it. "

How true.

No matter how painful it is, I choose love over the feeling of bleakness and darkness when the wind stopped and made the permanent silence in the cave of heart.

So let's have a toast for love, in whatever forms it may come, and it may stay.

Monday, January 02, 2006

I Believe

I sat in our favoriate bar the day after Christmas, you were not there with me. You chose to be alone this holiday, you were angry and low. I wish I can be with you at this time.

But you are proud and you refuse any support or help. You guard your own wound, savoring it. My heart is heavy for you but I believe in your ultimate strength.

I am not fleeing the city this time, I am staying close by, facing the distance of 176 street blocks, facing the holidays being alone and missing you, growing stronger.

The holiday without you was painful but not bleak as I won't allow the latter. I read a beautiful love story sent to me by friend, her true story. It made me cry at 3 am in the morning while reading it. I caught up with friends and got to know some friends better.

I wanted to spend the New Year's eve with you, like I want to spend every day with you. We could not. I dined with a visiting friend instead and danced in the first 4 hours of first day of 2006. My girl friend turned 35 on this day. So we danced and danced and danced. I was wearing a red velvet dress you would like.

Toward dawn, I walked outside to get into a cab, heading home. Snow melted on the sidewalk of New York. It was not cold, yet fresh and crisp. And I looked up north toward where you might be.

My new year's wish to you came 12 hours earlier, remember, when the new year just appeared on the Horizon of this globe, over the sky of where I was from.

In 3 more weeks, it will be the Year of the Dog, according to Chinese calendar. You were born on the year of the dog. It will be your year. You shall wear red belt.

Maybe it is better you are with me since I am New Your red. Red is the color for Chinese new year.

Let us smile, believing everything will be better if we make it so. There will be solutions for problems. There will be so many things that worth dreaming of, striving for, or maybe wait upon with some patience.

Like Spain, white villages glistering under the sun in Spring time, a trip we did not make last year; like the countless more essays and cartoons you can create and inspire people with; like the exibitions and shows all over the city that we don't have time to enjoy them all, like the park, bookstores and cafe shops that we frequented in this great city, a life that is so rich, we have been lucky after all.

And to give up is just not an option. So let's smile.

May the new year be happy, peaceful and loving!