Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Blessed Time of Multitasking

"Are you a one-man girl?" One guy I met only for the second time asked me, the first time is more than a year ago in a party thrown for his girl friend. He remembered me from back then.

He is having a semi long term and long distance relationship with the same girl and he hopes that I am not a one-man girl, thus be more receptive to his situation and be open-minded with whatever he is having in mind, or maybe he is just curious.

I paused, and then said "Yes, in the way that I can only be passionately in love with one man at a time. And I am in love still right now". Plus I won't be open-minded with a guy whose girl friend is also a one-man girl, as he told me.

We OMG unite. We have an union here. Non negotiable, unless, of course, we fall in love, then we won't be stopped one way or the other. But it is not and will not be the case here.

Sometime I wonder whether I will be less dramatic if I am not OMG--my answer to this is no, the two has no causal effect.
Matter of fact I am pretty happy with this label-OMG, although, I am obviously not one-man-girl or one-girl-girl when it comes to friendships, providing advice and words of wisdom to friends in dire situation.

Yes, call it blind leads/being led by the blind, or collective wisdom is endless source of power, or three shoe makers are better than a wizard (Chinese wisdom of course).

I have 2 IM accounts, MSN and G Talk, at any given time when I am online, I am usually talking to at least 2 people nowadays, it is a busy winter. Situation varies, but intense talks usually involve girl friends with dating anxiety or ecstasy and friends with career crisis or any friends with early to mid life crisis like we all do.

Since most of them have provided me with crying shoulders or picked up my call at 3 am, I feel obligated to return the favor.

The recent girl friend I began to IM with is going through emotionally up and downs. She is very smart and affectionate, and conflicted like me-distant and fiery, judgemental and understanding. Volcano under and deep as ocean floor are good descriptions of our emotional reserve. She is impatient. I am patient. And we are both fast typers--it became a race of emotional outpour, analytical reasoning, philosophical debate and a typing race to keep the pace.

I don't breathe when I type to her, following is back and forth in about 1 mintue.

R: Everyone doubts that this will be the last I hear from him. At the core, too, think it would be utterly retarded if Monday night is it. But, being at the center of this thing, I feel major insecurity about it. I have to just learn to let it go. And ascribe to the philosophy that if it's meant to be, it'll work out. I should become a zen buddhist or something. teach me some patience.

ME: One buddhist teaching comes to my mind is "Learn to let go. Don't cling. What is is, what is not is not." But I am so bad at let go myself. I also believe in following your heart, which is oppsoite of letting go many of the times. And what matters is let go of "what". Currently, I don't think you are having anything to let it go-it is a fun start of something...don't put too much pressure on yourself or him yet.

R: Right...that's a good philosophy. There is an internal struggle with me, constantly.
Between wanting to just wait and see and if things work they work, and the other impatient side of me which wants to devour everything in its path. I am a conflicting personality in that I can be unemotional and distant but also fiery. I tend to throw myself into things and see what happens. ...still, it's hard for me to stomach. As someone who wants immediate gratification. I tend to think everyone thinks the same way I do. So my view is: if I like someone, I really like them. And it's natural I want to see them. a lot. And so the counterview to that is: if they aren't showing they want to see me, then the logical conclusion is they don't fancy me too much.

ME: "But at any given time, not everyone lives to love. So even they do fancy us, they might show it in different pace, level of intensity and ways of expressing it than we are. For now, your extra fondess of R might be partly due to what did not work in the relationship with N. It has been a non-stop year for it might be a good time to chill and gather your thoughts and restart next year. If you rush it or make a judgment on R right now, it might not be wise or fair.

Meanwhile, on MSN side, my life time close friend is depressed in Seattle, crying out her decision of becoming an independent career woman and start her journey at the crazy agency world in Asia Pacific from the sunny and quiet Northern California.

We talked on the phone for 2 hours last night, when she almost decided to quit after 10 days and was totally depressed with the weather of Seattle--rain, snow, no sun for 10 days, power outage. I asked her to calm down, don't react, plase don't. Believe me. I have learned that in the most heart broken way.

She IM'ed next monring "I am still lost, not motivated." She is going through some growing pain, and it will pass. She is one of the bravest, smartest and most determined woman I have known.

On one hand, I am happy for my friend, for she is coming to a conclusion of what she value most and whether she could forego something to get other things that she now find is way more important.

Yet another week ago, I was IM and on cross Pacific phone call with a girl friend in Shanghai, who is madly in love and torture with a sexy and sweet man who claims himself to be a bad boy--on and off he follows that promise.

As for myself, I cried a good cry on Monday late night, listening to a good song, thinking of D. The kinda of cry that says I do love and miss him and I can in my way, and it is nobody's business. I live for no one else. The cry that is by someone who is no longer haunted by self pity and negavity. Maybe it is because the last episode of Season 2 of Six Feet Under.

Do we find solace in experiences and pains went through by our friends, whom we love and cherish. Do we find comradeship in knowing that it is not just me, every other intelligent and sensitive person is faced with the same pain and confusion or fear of loss of something important.

After all, we all are just searching for the answer to that ultimate question, what makes us happy.

Happiness is somthing to be stumbled upon, according to a recent book lent to me by R, the girl I IM this morning. The insightful book shows that maybe, very much opposite to what I understand before, happiness is a function of brain activity, not that of our heart, although we usually think the compass of heart will best lead us to the eternal land of paradise.

It is always how we think and perceive how we feel that defines how happy we are. Our perceived future is usally very different from the future the moment we reach there, and th fact that only one future can be realized creates all the stories of choices and the danger of making bad ones. Actually, the happiness might just lay in making the choices for today and follow through.

I can not go there too much. For I can not seek just psychological answer to questions at hand. These questions need more realistic solutions and immediate fixes, need napkins, Six Feet Under, gifts, or talking with friends, need reaching out, need patience.

With every more bits of knowledge of ourself and others, we can strive to be true and loving for the moment that is at our hand, and get by the days with wit and strength and feeling of love. And keep on telling our friends and loved ones: how strong you can be, how cherished you are and how we can all go through this together and coming out better and finer.

So beside our IM and phone and email conversations and Sunday brunches and late night drink at neighborhood bars and occasional stalkings, I hereby wish you a happy holiday and very very peaceful and loving New Year, my friends, old and new ones, online and offline, bloggers whose site I love to read , people currently in my life or not, my love.

Thanks for keeping me informed, challenged, amused, annoyed and feel needed but not needy, liked and loved. Thanks for sharing your life with me and allow me the same--I feel so blessed by my multi tasking.

It is the best gift that one can ever get-to be part of or to be shared with the moments of life stories of a unique few.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Stay Amused, Shall We

This client again makes me angry. I am sorry that I let her or this work makes me angry. I am sorry that I let myself feel the rage. I know rage is such a negative feeling, so let me post this to amuse you and amuse myself.


The moment I put on my pair of new boots, I felt sea sick.
I realized that they are like two little boats, not boots, for me.
So, one and two, on-board....hold on to the rail....anchor up,
destination, Columbus Circle subway station, wind north by northwest.
Either my boots are too big on me, or I just have a salior's heart.


I was eating pre-packed salard from Cafe Ziya. I hate green salard in general,
but this time, the beans that they have there, looked like human teeth, good ones, but teeth neverthless.
I was eating, and feeling like the serier killer in Saw.
I would have much more preferred to eat Olives that looked like human sperm, at least, it will makes it seems more productive than destructive.


My friend IM me: I am boy crazy today.
Me: Horny?
Friend: No, just want to flirt like crazy.
Me: That IS horny.
Friend: Today is boot/skirt combo day
Me: Same here. And I am on full speed on the open sea.
Friend: Mischevious.
Me: That reminds me of a man and his mischevious many qualities.
Friend: It seems I have something in common with him.
Me: I wish you are a guy.
Friend: Well I am not.
Me: In that case, let me go back to my toothy salard
Friend: Mischevious.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Voices from the South

The once dictator, died today. He died at an old age, surrounded by by his family, and was never tried on court for what he did.

The year he oeverthrew the democratice goverment of his country, the poet died with agony and pain, for the fate of his land.

It was a dark time. It was 1973.

There was a young man who fled the country with his family soon after, like many others, going on exile. That led him to Spain, where he wrote and died young.

But history shall remember the names of the poet and the writer, Neruda and Blano, for their words of truth and passion and love. Yet the dictator will be forgotten and hated by those whose sons and daughters disappered without a trace under his rule.

Are you smiling somewhere, my Chilean men of words, for you see, it is your voices that will be remembered and celebrated for a long long time, not the dictators, never has been, never will be, your voice and your pain and your way of making it heard from afar:

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and
carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate
that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Friday, December 08, 2006

A Healthy Writer and Reader Relationship

LIN: SOS. Where is rest of the story?

NYR: Final chapter is in your inbox right you like it

LIN: Sure I am. It is just hard to wait.

NYR: It came in series...don't you think it is good you have something to look forward to in the last 3 days.

LIN: I feel vey excited when reading your story. I need to take a deep breath. How touching the story is!

(Not enough validation...)

NYR: Does my story excites you? if you don't know me, just as a reader, would you like this writting and story? Be honest.

LIN: To be honest to you, I like it very much. I feel excited about what was going on, and I have to hold my breath when I am reading it. My heart is beating faster...But, where is....


NYR: thank you....

LIN: So..when I can read the rest and know when what happend where...enjoy your writting.

NYR: Wait for the book, it may come out in a year or two, maybe longer, if at all; or in series in the magazine that I will publish someday, if I find the funding....

LIN: I just really hate you right now...

Some stories never really end, it continues somewhere, in dreams or on a quiet sunny winter afternoon. This 5-chapter unfinished story which I wrote in Chinese during a span of time at 2003 was truly just the beginning of such a story. The fact that it was so much enjoyed by my friends made me smile and silent, feeling blessed and humbled, teary.

Wish you all are reading something that you enjoy, or enjoy somethig that you may or may not be reading, on this winter night.