Thursday, January 31, 2008

To See the World, in Red

This past year, I have changed a job and went to Denmark, and become a better human being, become myself. This city got empty, and achingly beautiful.

And I will be missing it, soon. I just know.

I have been born to see and feel the world in faraway places, who would have thought.

That day trip to Louisanna Center of Contemporary Art, on the sea shore, north of Copenhagen, remains crisp and clear, with all the red I saw, then and now, on this year of the red, of mine, of growth, of change, of compassion.

That song, which you sang to me over the phone, on this day. Those moments of ours, are in red as well, as I remember, with a smile. I am breathing it.

Stories became whispers, lingering with the thoughts of those once were.

There is only beauty, there is none other, in the deep places of our hearts, at the tips of our fingers, and the corner of our lips, when we touched, met, got to know.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Nothingness in the Name of Fun--Looking back

His bedroom is having a wall painted in yellow. So are the sheets of the bed, so are the pillow covers. So are the color of my skin. My hair is the reddish dark. His hand, darker skined, rest on my arm.

Ceiling fan is slowly turning, creating breezes that touches my naked back. I was lying among the yellow sheet, thinking, this is a stranger's hourse, but it is lovely.

Red curtain hang low, the room is cool and dark, I can imagine this is Venice, Rome, or Cairo, yet, it is a corner house in a quiet surburb, with yards and lawn.

He put on some music in the kitchen. There is music systems and speakers all over the house. He plays guitar. He laughs a lot, he hums when he is carressing my body, but he is not very happy. He seems preoccupied, or he maybe tired from reason I have no access or interest to.

Encounter with him makes me truly realize how lacking I have given you before, I have no idea what I was doing, what I was ruining. I was in love, but I gave only to take and suck your soul dry.

He put on the music, and the song is familiar. "Isn't that Cake?" Yes.

Boys who love Cake like me, or did.

"Going to Mexico." Cake said. As if when we were in that Japanese restaurant, you said, listen, it is that song. It is amazing. I don't know why you said that, I know the song was also played when you drove with another girl. Was the song ours, or yours only?

It is amazing.

Walk on by. My heart walk on by the memory of you and me, or so I made myself believe.

The night before, I took the train to this town, to see him, but also to escape my city and work. He waved to me while standing there besides his car waiting to pick me up. A tall man in a white shirt, he waved while I was walking out of the train station. It touched me. Small things, boy waving, it touched me.

The car is having a sun roof, so I reached out my hand. I always did that in a car with sun roof, feeling the wind passing through my fingers.

What is up with you? Have you started practicing again? Guitar, yes, dentistry, yes.

What did you do? Half day a week, I put a brace on a girl and her teeth is moving as we speak.

I did not expect I will meet a dentist, for one day, I was challenging whether they will ever fall in love with anyone.

Although he is only dentist a day for a week, he works for Congressman, he is into politics. In other words, we do not have much in common.

I don't think we will ever love each other. We enjoy different things. The only common denominator between us is we are both funny and charming, on the surface, when the damage is well covered.

It is just that we met one summer day, his gazes and touches arose my desire for man, which I have not felt for some time, since D is gone. We do not live in the same city.

He is tall, 6 1 at least. And he does not hold me up always, but he always give me his arm to hang on. That is important too.

Would you carry my purse? I ask those silly questins to my men who mattered. Most of them don't make sense--I am referring to those qustions.

That depend on the situation. You said. No, R said.

Would you go back to China with me, of course I will. I only asked you that question.

We arrived at his house at 1 am. We went to his study and bedroom upstairs. House guest was sleeping. I took off my shoes since they were so loud on the wooden floor and stairs.

He sat me down on his window pane in his study, we began to kiss. He then said: you are the first girl who sat on these shelves, since I renovated this house.

I chuckled and begain to kiss him again. You are the first man I have ever really kissed since D. But I did not say it. All those previous ones do not involved searching with my toughne. But I kissed him with that eagnerness, for I felt like it that moment.

Why we were so comfortable together. I don't even know him, but we sat there under the sun, my shoulder touching his, we were looking at the people walking around in the small town certer. We looked like lovers to them.

Our heart were thousand miles from each other. Yet, we sat there like couple in love. My heart was immensed in sadness of invisibility.

I like it in the morning, when this man woke up to go downstairs to cook me breakfast, and I lingered upstairs, in bed, to remember the part of my body he just kissed.

I enjoy his occasional company, but that is about the long and short of it. I hope I said this right.

Simple pleasure and no memory, no projection, no future, simply now.

He went out to get a bike for me from his friend, so that we can ride together. He fixed the brake before we get on the road. I like man who can fix things, I like man who can fix things for me, man who have tool boxes. Man who tighten things or loosen things at will and fully faces the consequences.

I love it feels like home, this starnger's house, for it is inviting and calm. For I am calm. I am not in love, I am visiting, I am not coming to stay. Not even asking.

We sat silently in the car while driving to the concert. I touched the back of his neck when he say something cute, but mostly he is silent, so am I.

No questions, no asking to get closer, no knocking on the door of the heart. I am not asking unless I am ready to see what is inside, I am not asking unless I know I can deal with the consuquence of opening up.

I keep my bridge up.

I was too tired to make love that night, did you brush your teeth young lady? yes.

You two sounds simliar in your tune, did you take you eyes out, young layd? Yes, D.

You both are handsome, funny, since when I am getting handsome men only. You both are used up, damaged, silent, suddently distanced and moody man.

He was tired, but he held me from the back. Even in our most loving moment, we were never that close, phsyically, we were lying there holding hands, we were in love, for we were holding hands, but he is holding my body, so close that we breath each other's breath. But my heart is far.

A moment of physcial intimacy was deceivingly warm.

It is strange how you can get so comfortable with a stranger. We fell into sleep without making love, for i am too tired, and he is too.

He woke me up in the morning with his kiss. He always woke up before me, like teenage boys.
He came in me from behind, that is what I wanted, I like it that way.

Then he got up and put on his shirt and he said he need to go make some coffee. This time he did not come back with coffee mug, he stayed down.

I came down finally but he was annoyed. But we did not say anthing, maybe he want to pull away a little.

We went out to his watering hole, that bar, he showed me the first night.

We sat down, I was reading the post, while he was playing Seduku. We both watched the soccer game of US vs Mexico. Going to Mexico.

People think we are lovers,enjoying a Sunday afternoon together at the neihborhood watering hole. We were loving too.

I love the Sandwich he ordered, so I am trying to take a bite .Wait, he said, I want to make sure you get to the Avacado, so let me take another bite here, and you can reach the right point and start biting from the mean, you will bite to the extent when I can bite in, yes, we are bite buddies, we are not just "fuck buddies" then, I thought.

We laughed together.

I looked over his shoulder being all bossy with him about his Seduku. He is amused.

Am I too loud when I came, you covered my mouth with your hands, it is cute. I was very loud, had always been, up in Bronx or here.

We cheered for the Soccer play. My face resting on his arm.He still concentrates on his Seduku, concentrated on being handsome and funny, being himself.

I am very comforable at where I am, I am alone, I am not in love. But I like the time spent with this man, guilt free, tension free, anxiety free, I am being me, and knowing that in itself and its entirty, is perfect for this perfect weekend, with a perfect stranger, for a perfect second of nothingness and all its meaningful fun.

And I decided not to see him anymore. Nothingness could not be compounded, even it could feels good in the moment when it almost becomes something, but then it just gets emptier when heart is not involved.

So there.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Drunk Writting

don't love me

I know you want me

but you have to love me

I don't care

But your desire of me is nothing

You have no idea

how much they want me

how much I want you still

from delicate to rough

from eyes to revealed desire

from being to being

I love you more

when they love me

for that is the only time

when I can and I know I can

love anyone

you can't love anyone

as I have loved you

as you have loved me

as much as we can not have each other


as much as I am me

I am not high

I am just drunk

from missing you

and I am loveable


for I am true

and you

you are not here

when I reach out for you

when I look out

and know that I am still in love

and do not really care of anything anymore

where am I

Maybe, only maybe, it is time to leave

And here is just here and it means

we were

Do not want me please

Do not make this complicated

I am happy for you

And I kick him for no reason

I don't even love him

for I like him as I like stranger that holds my hand

when turbulence hit when I travel west

so do not just want me or parallele think of it

for it is either love or nothing