Thursday, February 14, 2008

Peaceful Transformation

That is the year when they fell into devastating love, if only the frenzy comes from secrecy and suppressed passion is the constituent of love.

They were holding hands up until the rail of the subway station, which she is to take for home. She let go of his hand, looking at him with a smile that is almost untraceable, her on top of the steps leading underground, him on the other side of the rail, on the corner of 42 and 6th.

She moved her lips with out a sound: have a good weekend. He replied: you too. Still seeing the sparkle in her eyes, He leaned toward her and they kissed briefly with the iron rail in the middle. Then he turned around and left.

She began her descent while still looking at him. He might know that he is being looked at, from the corner of his eyes, but he did not look back this time. His profile instantly seemed grim to her. That is a different face already, being prepared to its familiar facings.

She was also preparing hers. Which side of the face is more true, or, they might all are. She felt a torn bitterness and yet also some excitement for enjoying the face that he prepared for her, customized and hopefully very close to qualify as unique.

20 minutes ago, they were standing inside the park kissing like it is the end of the world, while the empire state building glowing red behind them. It is not the end of the world. It is only the night before Valentine and a week after his birthday and two weeks after hers. They share the same astrological sign.

All these statistics came together in her mind so easily and readily for interpretation, since she is hopelessly romantic and passably superstitious as a Chinese.

They hugged for a while during the interim of their mouth being occupied. She murmured beside his ear: this is what I want. I miss you. He did not say anything just touched her gently.

She burst into a chuckle and only half joked: you are so silent. You know I would not hold you for anything.

He smiled: what do you want me to say?

I want you to call my name.

He did.

But there is only void following the utterance of those names, both English and Chinese version of it. She sighed and decided to let it go.

His face almost looked painful after a passionate kiss and her licking gently of his icy-cold ear loop.

What kind of face is that?

She jumped on it.


He might be honest on this one.

Once they walked out of the park onto the brighter and noisier 42 ST, she became more rigid. She held his hands after deciding not to part with him right there outside the park. She led him to go with her to the subway. They should not be seen together.

Love has more secret than death.

For some time, they can only see each other after work for drinks, so she found herself drinking much more ever since starting seeing him outside work. Being petite and well disciplined all her life, she get intoxicated very easily. But that is almost the stage she enjoyed most, when she became bold and tempting.

There are some evolutions going on inside her, and it is unstoppable.

Coming from the last communism territory of the planet, she knows that her growing up under the red flag left some traces in her talking and carrying.

She teases him for being seduced by a red spy. He complained her exposing his life to danger for no particular reason. She joked that he is so charming that she has to break the code to have fell for someone that is not much useful to the party.

An evolution that is peaceful, happens gradually but irrevocable. In the 80s, a book written by an American writer has caused so much worry, fear and somewhat hope in the heart of its readers in mainland China. It laid out a scheme of how western countries should try the most effective yet realistic way to change the monstrous communist country with its world’s one-fifth population, a peaceful transformation.

A transformation that is gradual, metaphysical at the beginning and disguised with innocence and good will. But when it finally takes roots, it will be too late anyway for anybody to do anything about it. It turns out that it is not a book about strategy, but a prophecy.

Falling in love is like a peaceful or violent transformation in every bits.

In the night before Valentine, he chooses his word very carefully. He would not say happy Valentine. Maybe he is not just that type. "Do not romanticize me.” But he holds her little hands very gently in his palms and kissed her with passions.

They are seeing each other too often for two people who do not have sex yet. They laugh together too ready. They are risking too much of career to let the feeling flow. “But do not fantasize this”. This is always on his script. He was analyzing, and she was feeling.

They dreamed of each other before they ever made love. She does not know whether this indicates that this someone has entered a territory in the other’s conscious where no casual stranger will ever be able to reach.

When they described their dreams to each other with each other in them, those are the time when elements of chemicals that have made the evolutions taking the non-cease-able advances being produced.

She can hear the sound of elements being formed, old discarded pieces of emotions and memories being crushed, reformed and re-sculptured inside her. She is striding toward a little stranger her from the one that existed each single moment ago.

She is falling in love and she knows that she is doomed, it is irrevocable . And that is the whole point.

Sometime would have passed before he told her: I have always loved you, looking straight into her eyes, calling her Chinese name.

She forgot when she said "I love you" to him, she did not remember because she felt she has loved him when she did not fall in love yet, that without being aware of when and why and how, she is there. She does not have to say it to mark the date. There is no date to mark.

And there is no reason to be named.

It is not a decision to fall in love, it just happens, like an evolution, when water, sun, geography, wants and meets aligned or not aligned, when something is in the air, when we breathe.

I am wearing the red scarf that he gave me today, to color coordinate with the city in this "Hallmart Card Holiday", so said one of my friend. The scarf gives me warmth. I wore it to Copenhegan as well, as if taking a piece of us with me.

And the empire state building will be again glowing red tonight, for all the lovers, at this city, for all the lovers, distant and far, for this moment, for there is not much else that they can hold on to, but now, but then.

Happy Valentine!


Blogger chris miller said...

I hope the blog survives all the changes you'll be making over the upcoming year.

Call me if the journey takes you through Chicago.

11:45 AM  
Blogger NYE said...

One day I would like to really visit Chicago, intead of just its airport.

Sure thing, Chris.

4:53 PM  

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