Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Looking back--Man Trouble, Woman Trouble

"Are you judging me at a moral high ground?"

"No, I am not on any moral high ground. Not me. I am not juding you." I chuckled for that question.

We were sitting in my favoriate Korean restaurant on 32 street at 2 am that Saturday night. Previously we were both at a drink outing with some co-worker.

He walked up to us and the creative guy N that I was talking to. N began to introduce us. W said: We have met.

I don't remember. "Really, where?"

He said: I met you a year ago at A's farewell party.

Oh, right. I remotely remembered a pretty hot boyfriend and he was smoking outside when I left for the night thinking of D. He waved at me, now I remembered. I was wearing that white trench coat and in my own little world. I don't think we even talked.

We talked this night. He is quite interesting to talk to, but obviously damaging. He is very much like D's type, charming, self aware, but not as funny as D, and shamelessly lusty.

I am curious for his type and he is the only interesting one there besides my friend, so I did not walk away.

When N passed by and found us still talking after 30 mintues, he said "I have to warn you. He is a dangrous guy."

"I will take your advice and be cautious."

When he asked me to go grab something to eat, I said yes. I am starving, for food, and a little curious for a seductive conversations--the latter is a bad habbit.

But I have defintely become less tense, more chill, more fun, caring less, I have become more cynical, more suitable for new york or the world. I am going with the flow.

Let's put down the cross that my life depends on for a second.

While waiting for the Ox Tail Soup, we were eating green peppers raw. Peppers are very sexy plants, so are beans, so are so many other plants. If you have seen Charles Jone's photographic work, you would know. So is nature.

Has the chewing brings any tension of sex? We looked at each other, smiling without saying anything. He set his mind already, I was weighing.

"Are you a one man gal?" He asked.

I paused for a second.

"Yes, if I am in love with someone. Yes. I can say I am."

"So, are you still with A, the girl friend?"

"I think so. But she is like 6 hours' flight away. We have known each other for so long, like 8 years. She is a one man gal like you. But I told her I can not be a one gal man. Are you seeing anyone right now?"

"No. I am still in love with this guy but he refused to talk to me anymore." This has been a certain state of my being.

"You must know you can get any man you want." He said.

"I don't know about that." I am serious. I don't think I can change the world. "I never tried to get any man I want. And I think certain type of man like me and I like certain type of man."

You know, in normal situations, we would not be sitting here like this, if only he is not a semi boyfriend of someone I remotely know, but tonight, it would be food only.

When I got into the Taxi, he closed the door for me after getting no invitation to join, and stared into my eyes. I see only lust in his. I know he is not just any man, at that moment, I think he represent all the man trouble this city has.

For me, I was not judging him, I was only being practical and operating based on gain and loss analysis, for a one night stand to potentially break up a non-agreement of one-man gal with a girl I almost do not know, it is not worth it.

And if he has positioned it a bit more sentimental, a bit more controlled, I might be touched. Loneliness and pain get me much much easier than honest wanting. I came with default.

He lost me at the question of "are you a one man gal"?

My freind said, well, man like this, you should enjoy the sex, for there is no consequence.

If so, what good does it do me? I am all about conseuqences or aftermath.

Maybe I am the woman trouble this city has.

And I have not even done anything, in this case.


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