Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Surge To The Surface

I have been drowned with work, re-kindeled ambition, interviews, boring business pitch, missing your presence in my life, anxiety from getting out there again-finding a new employment after 8 years of tense and binding relationship. And I am free!
And I can not breathe, sometime out of excitment, sometime out of unfounded expectations. Sometime freedom seems such a bright promise, sometimes it could be intimidating.

What is in the beyond land? Something new and different, I guess.

My heartache is there, deep in the cave, an invisible hand pushing it down, so it won't hurt while I put on my strong and professional persona, witty and smart, full of light.

I have been excited, or have been intrigured, challenged, inspired with new possibilities of work, trying a new cavas for my soul.

Jane Eyne was on the HD movie, my once beloved W Hurt playing Mr. Rochester. I watched it between gym, shower, IM and blogging. I managed to cry still.

I remember in my intereview to go to business school years ago, I was asked: Why Univ of Rochester?

After all the normal responses like large international student body, small program, generous scholarship for a super expensive school, I added in my usual goofy way, "I like Rochester in Jane Eyer."

Yes, I am pretty goofy.

I am glad there is not a business school called Heathcliff--even more to be said. Let me digress, who would have problem falling in love with a Heathcliff that looks like Lawrence Olivier, give me something more testier.

Sentimentalists and suckers of romance go to the left. Why do they accept me in business school, they should know better.
Yet, beside my passion for man or woman with stories, words and heavy burdened heart, or photographers, or other artist people, I do also love just genuinely smart people, and nice ones, I do love proving the point, solving a puzzle, that is why I hate the general agency crap which crushes your soul, but I love the fun and excitement of the smaller start ups.

Opportunities I could not even try before, for most them do not sponsor greencard. They sponsor freedom of spirit and exploring of uncharted places, those are not my first stops as an immigrant, can not be.

How many of us can enjoy what we do as a work but remain inspiring, not many, but I have seen a few. And I want to be one of them, breathing a lot of fresh air every day.

I admire the courage to say no to what you don't like and do just what you like, draw, love and be not walking the expected walk, even the choices are not equally presented to us all.

The courage of making choices and ability to do so, is so good, better even after being caged for so long. Even the choices I have is within relative boundaries, like I don't have the option of trust fund hippie, or talented artist or writer to snatch a book deal or post a solo show, but I do have option as a pretty smart person. For that, I am immensely grateful.

Romantic and sentimental me, laying low, at night you are allowed to cry over Heathcliff or Rochester or walk around in your apt naked after shower with open curtains, facing this large open view of the city, eating rice crackers, writing your under-updated blog. During the day, you do what you need to do and try to be happy, try to love others better, be compassionate and loving, raise your head high.

Two more weeks. I am counting.

And by writing this post, my soul was able to surge above the water, looking around, breathing, like Anderson's little mermaid, although I am perpetually love striking but no princess myself, the longing is the same.

I see the blue sky. I see the white houses overlooking the ocean. I see color of dreams.
Wait for me, soon as I get my legs to walk and hold my soul intact.


Blogger chris miller said...

It must be Spring !

8:33 AM  
Blogger NYE said...

Chris, it must be Spring and all that green color...although we are covered with snow again now...

1:35 AM  

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