Monday, May 28, 2007

Slow Graffiti

We sat on the steps of St Patricks Church in mid town, facing fifth avenue, with shopping bags from Saks at our feet, from the little excursion to the sales floor. We were caresed by the breeze of Spring, we were watching new york city getting home, enjoying, laughing and finding themselves in love.

Robin is a relative new friend, we were together more in the past 6 months. I don't remember when we began to hang out a lot. A girl soaring 5'8, witty, charming and moving to Denmark soon, for her Journalism study. She currently works as a account person in a smaller advertising agency. Her job drover her nuts, and same was mine, same as mine.

We are staring at people's shoes, commenting and laughing. We are judging people as locals judging outsiders at village market.

Being amazed at couples with 3-4 children tagging along, mostly tourists from other cities. "How could some couple raise so many kids, yet others are panic at the mere thought of the idea. I wonder.

Plain girls with striking boy friends, plain boys with plain girl friends. Woman with a dog that trots like little horses.

We just had a huge Mexican dinner at De Camitos, on 51 and 3rd. Food and dessert and slight drink make us satiated and intoxicated.

If there is one vice that Robin has, that will be, she can not drink. One beer will make her drunk. And I am alcoholic to her.

I enjoy Robin, and vise versa, I think. I told her that if she is a guy, I may fall in love with him. That is about as lesbian I have in my life.

Previous night, the first atmosphere of summer embraced this city. I was exhausted from work, feeling lonely from missing D and felt heartbroken, and scared of failing.

I am afraid also I might be losing the race of out running the pain of my heart.

I called Robin, I said I felt so bad, so low.

She said: why are you scared? You are smart and successful and they love you for what you can bring, that is how you get your job. Why do you worry?

"Maybe, I am always feeling I am not good enough. I always want to prove that I am worthy, for I am afraind I am not, to others." I am thinking out loud.

When I said this about my new job, I know that is also how I felt and behaved when I was with D, I was trying to prove myself to him as well, and I did not believe that he could simply love me for me.

"You don't have to prove yourself. You know. It is only natural that you feel overwhelmed. This is the second week of your new job. Everyone will feel that way.

And this is my new job in 8 years. Something I don't hate as the old one, but I love to do other things more, way more, like writing for you to read, amuse you.

Looking back, I can see how eager and anxious I was in the last week also, trying to prove that I can do this, almost too eager.

I was so uptight. Why was I so uptight? Why can't I relax and be happy with myself. I almost lost my footing again. And I won't allow that--there I go again.

I am afraid to disappoint.

Why I want to guard for everything that I have, as if they can be taken away anytime, as if I don't deserve to have any, as of I am used to be stripped of things. This huge insecruity and sensitivity of being judged negatively. I knew it is this flaw in me that has set me again into a emotional swing.

Robin's mellow voice calmed me. Hers is low pitch, soothing. I said, I am going to gym now to give myself some boost, and it worked.

So we sat together in the breezy Friday night, we looked around, recounting our experience in New York and Paris. The lovely film about Paris that are consisted of 18 short films, thinking we are lucky and blessed to have enjoyed both cities, to have been broken and back.

We are making little plans to meet up in Denmark where she is going for her journalist study.

I looked up at planes flying over the night sky, with cosy lights on, I was picturing those passengers coming home or arriving at a new city.

Looking at planes makes me feel sad and miss D so much. I said.

Why? Robin looked up with me.

It is like as if he can be on any of those planes going somewhere, yet I can only be guessing now of what is happening in his life. But, it makes me feel warm as well, for hoping that he might be travelling somehwere, having happiness in his life.

Love someone fills your heart too. Only we are too naive to know what is true that is being said.

I simply miss him.

Want to walk a little? I stood up.

We began heading to my apt on the west side. The night is sweet and fuzzy. Robin walks fast with her long leg and sneakers and I tried to keep up with my wedged sandal. Slow down!

She waited for me from time to time.

I will get a bottle of white wine.

I would not want any. Typical Robin.

I gave her a look, wine is a necessity for guests, whether they want it or not. I am great hostess even in a studio apartment, always has been.

When I checked out the wine at the register of the Liquir store at the groud floor of my building, the guy gave me a great smile "have not seen you for a while". By a while, he meant a week.
I am not that alcoholic anyway.

I smile back, he is a very warm and pleasant Asian guy--Chinese, my kind.

I can not believe you know your local liquor guy! Robin laughed when we exit the store.
A couple walked in while we exited. I hold the door for them while checking the man out quickly, not bad looking, and the guy said: Xie Xie!

Robin and I both like: where does that come from.

How can he tell I am (We are) Chinese. I am not offeneded, after all, since I am. Robin always feel bad when people assume she is Japanese or Korean or Chinese, for she is just an American girl, ok, fourth generation Japanese.

Our upbrining do stick. I like Robin only more because of that.

We walked up to my apartment. Robin loved my apartment, she once said, I won't want to leave if this is mine. You always have good book and good movies here, and it is very pleasing.

Red is pleasing and inviting.

I only smiled at this comment. But I am happy to hear that.

Black berry is put in plate, fruits washed and served.

So we will be going to the Soccer game tomorrow? But with a brunch at Brooklyn first.

I won't be going to DC. I told Robin about this guy who invited me to visit him over the long Memorial weekend. It maybe an excuse to escape the city at this holiday weekend, but I decided not to go. I am tired of taking superficial fun as remedy for a longing to the man I really miss. It make things emptier, not fuller.

Robin is happy that we are going to the Soccer game together. I am looking forward to meet the really hot Richard, juding from photo and soccer skill, whom she last kissed and her ex boyfriend who is a painter, an uptight guy.

All good for a night of girls, we settled down to watch The Conversations with the Other Woman.
Robin lying on the couch, I was sitting in front of the bed.

Laughters were loud from the street, begining of a long weekend, I am thinking, it is nice to be at home, with friends, no need to prove yourself, for by choosing each other's company, we have already proved ourselves, the ability to be funny and wise and empathetic and caring.

I don't need to prove a choice right, I just need to live, really live. And no one can judge me negatively if I am a real me, for I owe that expectation only to myself.

We learn, we do learn and better. Wisdom and caring is hard earned.

And it is OK to admit I am tired these days, working so hard, getting up so early, looking pretty good, feeling lonely for missing that man, for missing kissing someone with a meaning, with no purpose, with lot and lot of wanting.

That and above, is all so true, like my immense sleepiness and tiredness right now, at this moment.


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