Wednesday, May 02, 2007

A Promise is A Promise

The counter offer came next day of my resignation, it is extra generous for the standards of this company, just a little shy of the one I am getting elsewhere, but again, term is not a key factor here. And again, as I was told, instant credibility here, should more than make up the difference.

I did not even try to negotiate up. I am leaving, period. I made a promise to the other company that I am excited to join them. I signed the letter and people are expecting to see me show up.

New territory is uncertain. Sure, yet, I long for changes. Liberation means a lot to me too and weights heavy on my scale.

Did I tell you I have not gottern my green card yet? I was still waiting for the card. Legally I am able to switch jobs, but it is usually not highly recommended.

Problem is--I have had it.

I took a week off, to think it through, as I told them, although the decision has been made. I took the time to begin the disengagement process, emotionally, and to give the team some more time for transition.

Disengagement is needed. I basically grew up here, and all those days and nights and waitings, fullfilled wantings and unfulfilled ones, walking via 3 different routes to this location on 40th and Madison, in the past 8 years. It hosted my longing and tasting of passion, the awakening to my true self, the unknow one, it takes some deep breathing to walk out on that past and familiarity.

It breaks my heart to embrace all these memories while D is gone from here, or my life, right now, not even as a friend.

The Monday I came back to office, I wrote an email to say that I appreciate the counter offer, but I need a change of scene, and I am leaving to reevaluate my priorities in life. It is paritally a lie. I did began to do different things and try new aspiriations, but the catch is I still need to work in the same line of work to get my greencard, to not endeager the application, so I had no other choice but continue to play with the tool of markeing data. I could not take off to climb a mountain in Chile.

At least in the new company, they love me in a new way, there, it is a clean slate, where I can be aspiring to different challenges or serveing clients nasty in different ways, and what is not exiciting about that?

News spread, farewell lunch and drinks are scheduled. People began to show up and ask about my future plans. I worked hard to make sure everything is covered and transitioned properly. I have gone through hell on this account last summer while dealing with D's silence and working with his best friend who pretty much refused to talk to me about D. It was hell, even it is self inflicted. I thrived ultimately and I will leave it in best of shapes. They begin miss me already.

All is well until this morning, a call came from my company lawyer.

"INS" need more evidence for your case?

What evidence?

They need a waiver document for your old J visa.

I came to this country on a special type of student visa, J cateogry, which is subject to 2 years services back home once I finish my study. That is after my proper F visa application was rejected. My school came up with this walk-around solution. That was a promise I made when coming here, which I later got waivered, so I could stay after graduation.

Sometime, I think, the time I have had here in the US is purely accidental, or stolen, one event led to another, it is fate, but never planned out. None of these.

"But you have that document. Why was it not included in the first place?"

Silence. Company lawyer screwed me up again.

On the bright side, my case is being processed, but the timing is bad.

"So you can mail it for me right?"

"No, we can not represent you anymore. You need to represent yourself. You can mail it yourself. And you should be aware of legal ramifications of your departure depending on where you are going."

I know that, but it is a bit nerver wrecking to think that this came up at my last week at this current company. I have checked the legality of my departure, I am not being totally hot blooded and stupid, I have weighted my pros and cons and the incremental days of waiting out here and its direct impact on my likelihood of going crazy.

But why now?

It maybe just a formality of getting more documents, my future employer is aware of my situation and is paying for my financial liablities to this company due to past immigration cost and they have their own set of lawyers to ready to take me over. So all is set. I should not worry.

But why now?

It is so not easy, this process. My company lawyer simply sucks, there is no question about it. I was given the easier way before. I could have married D, when he offered the help as a friend as well as the man who loved me even if he does not say it well and I do not understand it well. Yet, my pride can not accept that. I wanted to marry him just becuase I wanted him and he wanted me. I did not want to go down history as marrying him for greencard, even it accounts for only .001% of the whole decision, because I love him. I thought we would have a life time together.

I was taken aback a little for this new information and its timing. I knew I was getting close to get it, but supplying additional information is not what I expected, espeically now. It could come after I left, it could come after all is done. Now it just addes on anxiety.

But I can not coward out at this time. Like 12 years ago when I came here alone with $700 dollars in my pocket, some money my parent borrowed from friends and which is more than their life savings in the bank, I did not back out. Then I shall fear nothing now. If I have been able to come here on a J visa and managed to stay for 12 years and built a good life here and have loved someone so completely, who is it to say that I shalled be rejected due to some technicality in application right on this soil, or that I should be cautious and safe and put a brake on what I am feeling excited about doing.

Point is I have done it and served my time. So I don't want to drag anymore. Drag is such a dreadful thing. I was a master of draging. No more.

And a promise is a promise. I wish I have honored everyone I have made before. But this one I am honoring, with a certain risk.

I am leaving and I am starting at my new company in 12 days. This is a risk I am willing to take and take it I shall.

"You can mail me everything. I will work it out myself. It might not be a bad thing after all." I hang up on the lawyer and went back to my work.

If indeed I was told the greencard application is not working out, I will pack by bags and leave, go travelling the world, time is simply up for my stay here. Even the truest love can not last forever, so I shall be a visitor to this city, or country.

What is really scary though, is the imminent change that I need to make to my life to honor this promise, I need to go to work at 9, instead of 11, which is what I did in the past 2 months at this current company. Damn it I forgot that in my evaluation of the pros and cons.

From now on, I need to go to bed at 10 pm instead of 2 am, and get up at 8, and now that, might just be the change that I could not adjust to.

Wish me luck.


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