Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Soul Restored, Alcoholically

I was crying and laughing watching this movie called The Holiday on DVD. It is a girl's flick, of course, but so well written and performed that it is funny and moving, and I am not ashamed to say that I was actually feel so thrilled and happy when I see Kate Winstlet got so much happier, and stronger and deservedly so, in the end; and Cameron actually made me cry when she cried. And Jude Law, oh, Jude Law.
With no expecations when putting this DVD on, I was so gladly surprised that I rushed to the refrigerator to get myself a drink, while putting the movie on pause. When I am stressed, I want a drink; when I am thrilled, I want a drink. I might jut become a true alcoholic.
What make me laugh out loud is that what I found is this little bottle of Sake, shyly standinging there, shorter than everything else, except maybe the Egg container, which is really not a good reference at all. This Sake is left over from a Korean restaurant and is maybe one third filled.
I hold the little bottle in my hand and began to drink from it, like you would drinking a beer with bottle, and rushed to my couch as well as the movie.
I am not exactly identifying with the two girls, well mabye some, I was weak like Jasper, but also deperately in love, insecure, some Kate Winslet's role, and some Amanda as well, if fitting is needed, I find myself rarely crying in front of other people, including D. My denfense was strong, for cyring too much too easy growing up, and for hiding the fear constantly.
But mostly, it reminds me how great it is to really connect with someone and enjoy someone, when a baggage is not longer a baggage because of the rebirth of belief that you can find a place for your heart again.
"I don't know how to do this mathematically, I am just telling you how I feel right now, and I am in love with you." When Jude Law deliver that, you better believe, you just believe.
We all make mistakes, screw up things when we didn't mean it, sensitve to rejection, hurt others when feeling hurt, or regret what we did, or wish we are better, wish for a second chance, or blame mixing up sex with love while in doubt. But love happens even to flawed people.
One can not really beg for redemption, as one can not really beg for love, or for more love than what can be given or taken. Let's just grow better. I am trying and I have seen it, and I think a little drink is in store to celebrate that little growth, every inch of it. (Now this sounds like a spam).
What can we really do except to make ourselves more true and happier and giving, and then love may happen again, and then that person may come back, cheer for him if he chooses to stay away and far.
It is that feeling that I know I am finally capable of being happy, truthful, and being able to love fully, even from a distance, is what has really restored my soul, that soul burdened with guilt and longing and secrets, is beginning to feel that it can fly finally, out of lies and fear, and you can only reach here by travelling alone, there is no way around it.
--I might just become a Saint had I have a bigger bottle of Sake, I am still trying to get more out of the Sake bottle, but it is done. I feel sorry for not using a proper container for Sake, well, but a girl can get away with this, I am sure, sepceialy now that I gets a soul and some guts.
Sleep well, all of us that were in love, are still in love and/or to be in love.


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